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Broken

I’m not exactly sure why I decided that right now was a good time to add another post to a blog that no one reads, but I did. I just kind of feel like getting some things off of my chest. I’ve done a lot of things since the last post. Nothing positive that’s for sure. I quit playing softball, probably the biggest change out of everything. Not really sure why I did, I just know that I didn’t want to play anymore. The drive wasn’t there anymore. I wasn’t playing well, partly because I didn’t want to be out on the field anymore. I basically stopped drinking too. I still have one or two here or there, but going to the bar every night and drinking at least 15 beers doesn’t happen anymore. I can barely stomach drinking 2 or 3 it seems. I really don’t do much anymore. I don’t see any of my friends, except for when I’m at work. It’s almost like I don’t have any energy to do anything. I pretty much stopped doing everything that I used to consider fun.

I wish I had an answer for this. I basically just mope through the day. Spending most of my time in bed either playing video games or sleeping. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what’s wrong with me, it’s pretty obvious to me that I look different than I used to. Not because I’ve done anything to change myself, but you can see that all of the happiness and joy has been sucked out of me. I’ve never been the best looking guy around, but I look like hell. The dark circles under my eyes and the permanent frown on my face is enough to drive anyone away.

M 25th birthday is this week. Originally I planned to take a week of vacation from work this week so I can do something fun, hell maybe even party for a week straight. Who knows. The sky was the limit. Now I lay in my bed, 5 days from my birthday and I have nothing planned. Don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to party. I just plan on spending what should be one of the happiest days of my life, in bed, alone.

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Motivate Me.

Wow. Hey. Haven’t been here in a while. I kind of miss doing writing things in here, but I never really seem to have anything to say. How lame is that? It’s been 3 months and I haven’t really done anything worth talking about. I suck. I need to get out and do something new, or fun, or even both. I wish I had more money for things. There are so many things I’d like to buy or do but can’t afford it. Giant Eagle doesn’t pay enough. I guess getting a new job might help, but I’m not motivated enough to do that. Going back to school is also an option, I have to get a big boy job soon right? But who really wants to do that? I’m waaaaay too content with this boring, stuck in a rut, no change kind of life that I’m living. I hate my situation, but I’m unwilling to change it. Not really sure what to do about that. It’s kind of a shitty predicament to be in I suppose. Something needs to come along and change my outlook on everything. I know I’m never going to get anywhere doing what I’m doing, but I’m afraid of change. I need to force myself to do something. Bah. Growing up sucks.

So much I want to do coming up in the next few months. I got road trips I want to take, event tickets I want to buy, and I guess most important, bills to pay. I need to start setting financial goals for myself and start saving so I can do these things. I’m 24 and working paycheck to paycheck. That’s not right. Somethings got to give, and unfortunately like it or not, it’s probably going to be me.

 

Down on Me.

Wow it’s been a long time since I’ve posted in here. I’m not going to lie I forgot about this thing for a while. I really hate posting in here because it seems like I’m turning this blog into a big complain fest and negative nancy site. I hate doing it but it’s really how I feel most days. I’ve been pretty content with everything this past week, actually had a pretty good day on Thursday. Now, once again, I feel pretty down. What a difference  a day or two makes. Nothing has changed, I haven’t done anything differently but somehow someway I find a way to be down on myself. I should be happy. I’m leaving for Las Vegas  in just over 24 hours. A place that I’ve wanted to go for a few years now and it’s finally coming true. I should be pumped, but I’m not. I’m sure once I get out there I’ll be fine, and I’ll forget about how shitty home really is. But for now I’m going to lay here in bed, miserable once more. I wish it would go away, but I don’t know how to change it. One day I’ll figure it out I suppose. Until then I guess I just gotta deal with everything the best way I know how. Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer.

Potential

I’m laying here in bed roasting, because it is hot as balls in my room, thinking. I know that might come as a shock to you, me? thinking? really? That doesn’t happen often, but to tell you the truth it does. I think a lot, and that is what this post is about. I come off to most people as a fat, jolly, never take anything seriously, funny guy. At least that is how I see myself through other people’s eyes. I dumb myself down and play it off like I don’t care about anything but how much I can drink and I just slack off because that’s what I think people want. People like me that way and all I want to be is liked. I don’t try very hard, and I don’t really do a whole heck of a lot because it’s not expected of me. But the truth is I’m actually a pretty smart guy. I take a lot of things seriously, some of which, probably too seriously. I like learning new things and I’m a pretty hard worker. Most of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking this is a big line of crap, but I promise you it isn’t. There are hopefully a select few of you reading this and agreeing with everything I say. I may not be the most motivated or the best at any one thing, but I give everything I do my all.

I dunno if I’ll ever reach my full potential for anything, and I may never realize actually how good at things I really could be because I’m never going to give myself the chance. I very well might be afraid to do these things just because I don’t want anyone to see me differently. I dunno why that has anything to do with anything, but I’m afraid that if I “grow up” or figure things out I won’t be as fun, or as well liked, and that’s what scares me off. I really don’t know exactly what I’m getting at, but I promise you, if that light switch does flip , or that light bulb goes off in my head things could be a lot different. It really could be scary how much I could accomplish. Part of me does want it to happen, part of me wants to shock everyone, maybe even give a middle fingered salute to everyone that expected nothing from me all these years. I kind of compare myself to a baseball prospect. I got all of the tools and the potential is there, I just have to fulfill that potential, but like any baseball fan knows by now, not many of those prospects pan out the way everyone hopes. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be that one.

Too Lazy to Name This Post

It’s been forever since I’ve posted in here. I’m not sure if I really have that much to say, but I almost felt like it was necessary to do anyway. There has been a lot of up and downs in my life recently, its been a real roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. I deleted my Facebook for a while, not because I didn’t want to be on it,but more because I just wanted to get away. There seems to be a lot of drama, shenanigans, and shit talk going on around here and I wanted to distance myself from it. I’m already miserable 95% of my life, why add to it with 8th grade bullshit right? If it wasn’t for the fact that no one would read my highly anticipated blog posts I probably would have left my account deactivated. It seems like some of the people I’ve known the longest are at the root of some of these problems. I don’t know what the deal is maybe we’re just growing apart, or maybe I just hate everything so much the smallest thing seems like a huge problem. A mountain out of a mole hill type of deal. I honestly wish that I could have stuck with the whole disappearing thing more, it’s cheaper and more stress free, but like everything else I try and do, I collapse faster than LeBron James in crunch time, and go back to my old self destructive ways. Oh well, at least I’m consistent I suppose.

Put me in coach, I’m ready to play.

Last Saturday I decided to go out and play softball for the first time, without a foot of snow on the ground, in nearly a year. I had the great idea to play with a friend, and a few guys he’s played with for years. These guys are so good its boarderline illegal. It was a complete confidence destroyer watching these guys murder the ball for three hours while I hit squibbers to the second basemen. I was pretty embarrassed. I never really wanted to play softball again. I knew I wasn’t going to play well, and I wasn’t going to compare to those guys but I didn’t know it would be that bad.

That was the cliff notes version of my first “practice” in a very long time. What I didn’t tell you was in the middle of my third at-bat for the day I was struggling real bad, and the Babe Ruth of softball gave me a tip. He showed me how to fix my grip on the bat and it felt really stupid. I finished my at-bat hitting a few more squibbers and eventually we called it a day. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but that 10 second tip changed everything.

A few days later I returned to the softball field, wanting to get my mind off things and hit a few softballs in the process. I continued with the new grip and I was infinitely better. Both of my hands were still on the bat, and I was hitting frozen ropes on the right side of the infield. One particular swing I had destroyed a ball, and on a day less windy, there is a good chance it was a home run. My confidence was at an all-time high. I wanted to get right back out there the next day, and that’s exactly what I did. A few more hours of frozen ropes and bombs that flirted with the fence and I couldn’t get enough.

Since that fateful day I’ve been on the field more times this week than the last two years combined at this time. Part of it is because I’m playing very well, and the other part is (Oh no! Here comes the serious part of this post) that when I’m out there on the field, nothing else matters. All my troubles are gone and all I think about is how I’m going to get better. My head is on straight, and I’m not upset or depressed. There has been a lot of Debbie Downer type stuff floating through my head lately, and the only things I have to get me through it are softball, alcohol, and my best friend. One day I’ll sort all that stuff out, but in the meantime, even if it is just for an hour or two, softball gets me through part of the day and I can’t wait to get back out on that field again.

 

What a mess.

Have you ever felt like you just want to disappear? That is kind of how I feel these days. Some of it might have to do with me slipping back into my old ways of drinking, a  lot, but it also has to do with what is going on around me. It seems like every day something is going on between my friends. Something stupid and petty. Before long it turns into someone not wanting to talk to that person and not hanging out with them and its a whole big fiasco that affects everyone. I’m really getting tired of having to walk on eggshells around people, and having to ask myself if this person can hang out with that person. It’s tiring and aggrevating. I shouldn’t have to deal with that sort of thing. I just want to leave, get away from everything and start again, leaving no trace of myself behind.

I’m kind of at the point where I’m so easily upset by any one thing that I don’t want to be bothered by anything or anyone. I really don’t even want to talk to anyone, with the exception of maybe one person. I wish there was a way to make it alright, but at least up until now I haven’t found that way. I don’t know what else to do at this point except take it, and hope one day I don’t explode. That’s all I really got right now.

I guess what I’m getting at is I think I’m just tired. I’m tired of dealing with stuff I shouldn’t have to. I’m tired of putting up with shit I shouldn’t have to. Tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of everything. I want things to go back to the way it was. Everyone got along and had a ton of fun. It seems like it’s been a very long time since I could say I had fun with all of my friends and I miss that. Maybe I’m just being selfish, I don’t know. It’s never going to go back to the way it was I know, but I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. I wish it was easier to just detach myself from everything and start getting away. I know that won’t ever happen either. I’m not the kind of guy that could just up and move away, and be alright. I’m no good at meeting new people, I’d fail miserably.