It’s 3:23 am and I’m watching the final episode of Mad Men. One of the final scenes is of a man in a group circle sharing his feelings. He’s sad, and talks about no one loving him and whatnot. Naturally, because it’s 3am I start thinking about that too. Not exactly in the same way this character is talking about it though.
When I stop and overthink, I realize that I am loved by a lot of people. That isn’t the issue. My problem is I don’t understand why. I’m not that great of a guy. I’ve never really done anything to help anyone. In a lot of ways, I’m pretty selfish. I’m always the one needing help whether I ask for it or not.
My family and friends are too good for me. I truly don’t deserve them, and without them I’m not sure where I’d be, or if I would even be here today to complain about how awful I think I am.
I always feel like a hindrance. Constantly taking, and taking, and never giving anything back. Maybe it’s because I’m needy, and they aren’t? I don’t know. I just feel like that it always seems to be me with the issue, and never anyone else.
Sometimes I stop and think, wishing something would happen somewhere, and they would need my help for once. That’s me being selfish again, wanting something bad to happen to fulfill my need to appear better than I am. I’m an idiot.
I guess in a roundabout way, this is me saying thank you to anyone and everyone that has ever saved my dumb ass in one way or another. I never really mean to cause an issue, but I always do, and there is always someone there to help get me through it. I can never say enough how much I appreciate everyone in my life. I truly don’t deserve any of you.
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