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Would I like some cheese with that whine?

It’s 3:23 am and I’m watching the final episode of Mad Men. One of the final scenes is of a man in a group circle sharing his feelings. He’s sad, and talks about no one loving him and whatnot. Naturally, because it’s 3am I start thinking about that too. Not exactly in the same way this character is talking about it though. 

When I stop and overthink, I realize that I am loved by a lot of people. That isn’t the issue. My problem is I don’t understand why. I’m not that great of a guy. I’ve never really done anything to help anyone. In a lot of ways, I’m pretty selfish. I’m always the one needing help whether I ask for it or not. 

My family and friends are too good for me. I truly don’t deserve them, and without them I’m not sure where I’d be, or if I would even be here today to complain about how awful I think I am. 

I always feel like a hindrance. Constantly taking, and taking, and never giving anything back. Maybe it’s because I’m needy, and they aren’t? I don’t know. I just feel like that it always seems to be me with the issue, and never anyone else. 

Sometimes I stop and think, wishing something would happen somewhere, and they would need my help for once. That’s me being selfish again, wanting something bad to happen to fulfill my need to appear better than I am. I’m an idiot. 

I guess in a roundabout way, this is me saying thank you to anyone and everyone that has ever saved my dumb ass in one way or another. I never really mean to cause an issue, but I always do, and there is always someone there to help get me through it. I can never say enough how much I appreciate everyone in my life. I truly don’t deserve any of you. 

Three A.M. Overthinking

Disclaimer: Everything below this first paragraph was written before what you are reading now.(Thanks for reading btw, and sorry for wasting your time with this nonsense.) There is no real rhyme or reason to this post other than its 3am, I have to be up in three hours, and my mind is going crazy. As usual I hope that writing this stuff out eases my mind, and allows me to sleep. That’s the only real reason for this blog. Here goes nothing. 

Change. 

Fear of the unknown. 

Stepping out of my comfort zone. 
I don’t handle any of those things well. In fact, I hate them. I go out of my way to avoid them. I’ve always wished that I could handle them better, and that I wasn’t afraid to try new things. I’m that way about everything though. I will say that I don’t like something, simply because I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to try it. I understand that it’s a pretty common fear, but sometimes I think I’m the only one that suffers from it. 

Being afraid of change has kept me stuck in the same place my entire life. I’ve had one job, and one place of residence forever. I get mad when switching cell phone carriers or cable companies is brought up. I think I’m a real life “Settler” like in those Direct TV commercials. 

I think about doing things all the time, making changes. That’s all they are though, just thoughts. I can’t bring myself to take that plunge. They say the only way to conquer a fear is to face it. But what if I don’t like what is staring back at me? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 

The more I think about it, the more that “Settlers” commercial comes to mind. I’ve settled. I’ve settled on just getting bye. I’ve settled on ordinary. I’ve settled on the bare minimum. I think about it and I convinced myself that my job isn’t that bad. I convinced myself that pushing thirty and living at home is alright. I mean, who doesn’t love free room, board, and meals? I’ve convinced myself that I’m ok with living this way because I still am able to have some fun on the weekends, and still pay my bills (barely). 

The more I think about what I’ve allowed myself to do, the more upset I get. I’ll go down some incredible path that leads to me thinking that I’m the stereotypical loser that lives with their parents. In a lot of ways, I guess I am. It’s my own fault. I did it to myself. What this turns into now is a self bashing to ruin what’s left of my self esteem and confidence. It’s incredible how one thought about not liking change can snowball into a giant paragraph of self loathing. 

Recently, I’ve had some thoughts of trying to improve myself. I’ve even taken some actual steps to do so. Granted, nothing has been actually accomplished, but baby steps right? I began the job application filling out process. It’s had its hiccups, but as of right now I seem to be determined to resolve the issues at hand. Let me tell you though, filling out these applications is awful. I hate it. Not only do I hate it, but the thoughts that grow in my head while I do this is terrifying. I’ve come up with at least 10 different scenarios where trying to better myself ends up going poorly. I’m self sabotaging, and settling. There’s that word again. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen with all of this, and that is terrifying too. Hopefully I can stop the settling process for even just a few minutes and get a little closer to becoming a successful adult. I guess only time will tell.