Disclaimer: Everything below this first paragraph was written before what you are reading now.(Thanks for reading btw, and sorry for wasting your time with this nonsense.) There is no real rhyme or reason to this post other than its 3am, I have to be up in three hours, and my mind is going crazy. As usual I hope that writing this stuff out eases my mind, and allows me to sleep. That’s the only real reason for this blog. Here goes nothing.
Fear of the unknown.
Stepping out of my comfort zone.
I don’t handle any of those things well. In fact, I hate them. I go out of my way to avoid them. I’ve always wished that I could handle them better, and that I wasn’t afraid to try new things. I’m that way about everything though. I will say that I don’t like something, simply because I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to try it. I understand that it’s a pretty common fear, but sometimes I think I’m the only one that suffers from it.
Being afraid of change has kept me stuck in the same place my entire life. I’ve had one job, and one place of residence forever. I get mad when switching cell phone carriers or cable companies is brought up. I think I’m a real life “Settler” like in those Direct TV commercials.
I think about doing things all the time, making changes. That’s all they are though, just thoughts. I can’t bring myself to take that plunge. They say the only way to conquer a fear is to face it. But what if I don’t like what is staring back at me? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
The more I think about it, the more that “Settlers” commercial comes to mind. I’ve settled. I’ve settled on just getting bye. I’ve settled on ordinary. I’ve settled on the bare minimum. I think about it and I convinced myself that my job isn’t that bad. I convinced myself that pushing thirty and living at home is alright. I mean, who doesn’t love free room, board, and meals? I’ve convinced myself that I’m ok with living this way because I still am able to have some fun on the weekends, and still pay my bills (barely).
The more I think about what I’ve allowed myself to do, the more upset I get. I’ll go down some incredible path that leads to me thinking that I’m the stereotypical loser that lives with their parents. In a lot of ways, I guess I am. It’s my own fault. I did it to myself. What this turns into now is a self bashing to ruin what’s left of my self esteem and confidence. It’s incredible how one thought about not liking change can snowball into a giant paragraph of self loathing.
Recently, I’ve had some thoughts of trying to improve myself. I’ve even taken some actual steps to do so. Granted, nothing has been actually accomplished, but baby steps right? I began the job application filling out process. It’s had its hiccups, but as of right now I seem to be determined to resolve the issues at hand. Let me tell you though, filling out these applications is awful. I hate it. Not only do I hate it, but the thoughts that grow in my head while I do this is terrifying. I’ve come up with at least 10 different scenarios where trying to better myself ends up going poorly. I’m self sabotaging, and settling. There’s that word again.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with all of this, and that is terrifying too. Hopefully I can stop the settling process for even just a few minutes and get a little closer to becoming a successful adult. I guess only time will tell.
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