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Alone

Alone. 

It’s a pretty scary word in the right context. 

Earlier I was sitting in my garage, a 12 pack deep, thinking about life. Thinking about things that probably shouldn’t be on my mind, especially when I’m drunk. As I sat back and listened to Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Hank Jr, and others, I started wondering if I was supposed to be alone. I’ve basically been that way all my life. It always seems as if my heart and mind are never in the same place together, and if they are, one of them is completely wrong. I’ve been head over heels for my fair share of women, none of which thought the same of me, and it got me to thinking even more.. 

Why is it that I always want, and I’m never the wanted? First I thought maybe I’m not good enough. I’m not sure that is the case. Maybe I’m ugly? Possible. Who knows really. It seems to me that the women I fall for all have one common denominator. I can talk to them.

I’m probably one of the most shy people you’ll ever meet, or not meet, depending on who is reading this. I can only talk to people when I’m truly comfortable. Unfortunately for me that seems to happen way to late in the courting process, and I’m on the outside looking in. 

That leads me to the title of this blog, “Alone.” I think about it all the time. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone forever. I feel that way so often. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve trained myself not to get close, or emotionally invested in anyone. I don’t need that, at least not now. 

Sometimes it all sounds so good. The family, the 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence, the American Dream you might say. Then I think about the nearly 30 years of my life and I realize that I’m years away from any of that. Years away from a family, and making my parents grandparents. That weighs most on me. They’ll never read this so I can say that it’s my goal to have a kid by age 31, which gives me 21 months to do so. I don’t want to be older than my dad when I was born.  

Fuck. I feel like the point of this was to get something off my chest and it turned into me rambling on, and this blog escalating into much more than it should have. I’ll probably edit this when I’m sober. 

Goodnight readers, all 17 of you, you’re the best. 

** Sober edit #1

I guess the point of this was me wondering what the purpose of all of this is. Does the world really need more single grocery store employees? At this point it’s pretty clear that becoming a doctor, lawyer, or president isn’t in the cards. My life won’t have an impact on the world, so what is it all for? Maybe I’m too blind to see it. Maybe I’ll never find out. I suppose I just have to wait and see. Things always happen when you don’t look for them. 

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