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Alone

Alone. 

It’s a pretty scary word in the right context. 

Earlier I was sitting in my garage, a 12 pack deep, thinking about life. Thinking about things that probably shouldn’t be on my mind, especially when I’m drunk. As I sat back and listened to Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Hank Jr, and others, I started wondering if I was supposed to be alone. I’ve basically been that way all my life. It always seems as if my heart and mind are never in the same place together, and if they are, one of them is completely wrong. I’ve been head over heels for my fair share of women, none of which thought the same of me, and it got me to thinking even more.. 

Why is it that I always want, and I’m never the wanted? First I thought maybe I’m not good enough. I’m not sure that is the case. Maybe I’m ugly? Possible. Who knows really. It seems to me that the women I fall for all have one common denominator. I can talk to them.

I’m probably one of the most shy people you’ll ever meet, or not meet, depending on who is reading this. I can only talk to people when I’m truly comfortable. Unfortunately for me that seems to happen way to late in the courting process, and I’m on the outside looking in. 

That leads me to the title of this blog, “Alone.” I think about it all the time. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone forever. I feel that way so often. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve trained myself not to get close, or emotionally invested in anyone. I don’t need that, at least not now. 

Sometimes it all sounds so good. The family, the 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence, the American Dream you might say. Then I think about the nearly 30 years of my life and I realize that I’m years away from any of that. Years away from a family, and making my parents grandparents. That weighs most on me. They’ll never read this so I can say that it’s my goal to have a kid by age 31, which gives me 21 months to do so. I don’t want to be older than my dad when I was born.  

Fuck. I feel like the point of this was to get something off my chest and it turned into me rambling on, and this blog escalating into much more than it should have. I’ll probably edit this when I’m sober. 

Goodnight readers, all 17 of you, you’re the best. 

** Sober edit #1

I guess the point of this was me wondering what the purpose of all of this is. Does the world really need more single grocery store employees? At this point it’s pretty clear that becoming a doctor, lawyer, or president isn’t in the cards. My life won’t have an impact on the world, so what is it all for? Maybe I’m too blind to see it. Maybe I’ll never find out. I suppose I just have to wait and see. Things always happen when you don’t look for them. 

Hello, Old Friend

My first post in four years. Wow. Time flies when you are having fun, or in my case, time flies when I deactivate Facebook and I forget I had a blog.

A lot of things have changed in the four years since I last wrote something. Some good, some not so good, but changes nonetheless. I still have the same dead end job, but a new job description. I don’t spend every night at the bar anymore, but in turn I see my friends a lot less, and some not at all. I still live at home, but with visions of moving out, hopefully soon. And for those of you keeping score at home, here’s where Negative Ned takes over…

This year has easily been the worst year of my life. I’ve wrecked my car, ¬†gotten in trouble, and lost loved ones. I spend countless hours laying in bed awake thinking about where I went wrong. I think, and I over think, replaying the situations in my head. I wonder how I let it all happen, I wonder what I could have done to stop everything. I don’t look at myself the same way anymore. I’m a changed man. Whether it’s for the better or the worse, I don’t know that answer.

Sometimes when I lay in bed I begin to think if my family or friends still see the same person I once was or do they picture someone else? Do they picture a man that endangered the his life, as well as others because I wasn’t paying attention while driving? Will they trust me behind the wheel anymore? Maybe it is exactly what it was, an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose after all. Or maybe it’s part of a bigger picture. I’m reckless. I’ve never truly cared about the consequences of any of my actions, and now I’m paying for that. I’m paying mentally, physically, and financially.

I’ll never truly know the answers to the questions I ask myself, and in many ways, I’m not sure I want them. It’s entirely possible that whatever I can concoct in my head is 100 times worse than reality. It’s also possible that some of my fears come true and my family and friends do think of me differently. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully earn their trust back again, and I don’t blame them. I’ve fucked up countless times. Sometimes I wonder why they even put up with me.

I could probably write for days on the thoughts in my head, but there is one positive that does come out of all of this. Music. If it wasn’t for the music I listen to I would have driven myself insane by now. Whether I’m in a good or bad mood Pandora always knows the right song to play. I get to let my guard down, and forget all of the bad in my life. I don’t get to as many live shows as I have in previous years, but I still get to as many as my friends want to go to. That is when I’m truly at peace. For those four, maybe five hours, I don’t have a care in the world. I’m so focused having a great time, and screaming every lyric to every one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. Nothing else matters to me. It’s perfect.

I hope one day I can feel that way all the time. Care free and happy. I hope I can put all of this shit behind me and start a new chapter of my life. One that doesn’t include late night thoughts, overthinking, and blogging at 3:02am. Until then, I’ve missed you old friend. You’ll probably be seeing a lot more of me.