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Broken

I’m not exactly sure why I decided that right now was a good time to add another post to a blog that no one reads, but I did. I just kind of feel like getting some things off of my chest. I’ve done a lot of things since the last post. Nothing positive that’s for sure. I quit playing softball, probably the biggest change out of everything. Not really sure why I did, I just know that I didn’t want to play anymore. The drive wasn’t there anymore. I wasn’t playing well, partly because I didn’t want to be out on the field anymore. I basically stopped drinking too. I still have one or two here or there, but going to the bar every night and drinking at least 15 beers doesn’t happen anymore. I can barely stomach drinking 2 or 3 it seems. I really don’t do much anymore. I don’t see any of my friends, except for when I’m at work. It’s almost like I don’t have any energy to do anything. I pretty much stopped doing everything that I used to consider fun.

I wish I had an answer for this. I basically just mope through the day. Spending most of my time in bed either playing video games or sleeping. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what’s wrong with me, it’s pretty obvious to me that I look different than I used to. Not because I’ve done anything to change myself, but you can see that all of the happiness and joy has been sucked out of me. I’ve never been the best looking guy around, but I look like hell. The dark circles under my eyes and the permanent frown on my face is enough to drive anyone away.

M 25th birthday is this week. Originally I planned to take a week of vacation from work this week so I can do something fun, hell maybe even party for a week straight. Who knows. The sky was the limit. Now I lay in my bed, 5 days from my birthday and I have nothing planned. Don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to party. I just plan on spending what should be one of the happiest days of my life, in bed, alone.

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