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It’s 2am. 

I’m laying in bed. 

I have to be up in six hours.

I can’t sleep. 

I toss, I turn, I try everything possible to fall asleep and I can’t. My mind is racing. Thinking about things I should’ve done. Thinking about things I shouldn’t have done. Thinking about things I can’t control. Each what if thought creates ten more. It’s never ending. 

I wish that when I went to sleep, and I turned off my light or my tv for the night, my brain would just shut off with it. Complete darkness. No thoughts or sounds. No distractions. I’d be able to sleep peacefully. 

Instead I lay here thinking about a snapchat I sent last Tuesday, or the text message I should be sending right now, but I’m not. The snowball effect that these thoughts have keep me awake for hours. I’ll over analyze the most insane scenarios as actual possibilities. I’ll stress myself out over nothing. 

I can’t stop. 

I don’t know how to stop. 

I try to write these blogs as a constructive way to get all of these thoughts out of my head.  I don’t know if they help or not, but I’d like to think they do. If nothing else they at least pass the time until I finally fall asleep. 💤

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Would I like some cheese with that whine?

It’s 3:23 am and I’m watching the final episode of Mad Men. One of the final scenes is of a man in a group circle sharing his feelings. He’s sad, and talks about no one loving him and whatnot. Naturally, because it’s 3am I start thinking about that too. Not exactly in the same way this character is talking about it though. 

When I stop and overthink, I realize that I am loved by a lot of people. That isn’t the issue. My problem is I don’t understand why. I’m not that great of a guy. I’ve never really done anything to help anyone. In a lot of ways, I’m pretty selfish. I’m always the one needing help whether I ask for it or not. 

My family and friends are too good for me. I truly don’t deserve them, and without them I’m not sure where I’d be, or if I would even be here today to complain about how awful I think I am. 

I always feel like a hindrance. Constantly taking, and taking, and never giving anything back. Maybe it’s because I’m needy, and they aren’t? I don’t know. I just feel like that it always seems to be me with the issue, and never anyone else. 

Sometimes I stop and think, wishing something would happen somewhere, and they would need my help for once. That’s me being selfish again, wanting something bad to happen to fulfill my need to appear better than I am. I’m an idiot. 

I guess in a roundabout way, this is me saying thank you to anyone and everyone that has ever saved my dumb ass in one way or another. I never really mean to cause an issue, but I always do, and there is always someone there to help get me through it. I can never say enough how much I appreciate everyone in my life. I truly don’t deserve any of you. 

Three A.M. Overthinking

Disclaimer: Everything below this first paragraph was written before what you are reading now.(Thanks for reading btw, and sorry for wasting your time with this nonsense.) There is no real rhyme or reason to this post other than its 3am, I have to be up in three hours, and my mind is going crazy. As usual I hope that writing this stuff out eases my mind, and allows me to sleep. That’s the only real reason for this blog. Here goes nothing. 

Change. 

Fear of the unknown. 

Stepping out of my comfort zone. 
I don’t handle any of those things well. In fact, I hate them. I go out of my way to avoid them. I’ve always wished that I could handle them better, and that I wasn’t afraid to try new things. I’m that way about everything though. I will say that I don’t like something, simply because I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to try it. I understand that it’s a pretty common fear, but sometimes I think I’m the only one that suffers from it. 

Being afraid of change has kept me stuck in the same place my entire life. I’ve had one job, and one place of residence forever. I get mad when switching cell phone carriers or cable companies is brought up. I think I’m a real life “Settler” like in those Direct TV commercials. 

I think about doing things all the time, making changes. That’s all they are though, just thoughts. I can’t bring myself to take that plunge. They say the only way to conquer a fear is to face it. But what if I don’t like what is staring back at me? The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 

The more I think about it, the more that “Settlers” commercial comes to mind. I’ve settled. I’ve settled on just getting bye. I’ve settled on ordinary. I’ve settled on the bare minimum. I think about it and I convinced myself that my job isn’t that bad. I convinced myself that pushing thirty and living at home is alright. I mean, who doesn’t love free room, board, and meals? I’ve convinced myself that I’m ok with living this way because I still am able to have some fun on the weekends, and still pay my bills (barely). 

The more I think about what I’ve allowed myself to do, the more upset I get. I’ll go down some incredible path that leads to me thinking that I’m the stereotypical loser that lives with their parents. In a lot of ways, I guess I am. It’s my own fault. I did it to myself. What this turns into now is a self bashing to ruin what’s left of my self esteem and confidence. It’s incredible how one thought about not liking change can snowball into a giant paragraph of self loathing. 

Recently, I’ve had some thoughts of trying to improve myself. I’ve even taken some actual steps to do so. Granted, nothing has been actually accomplished, but baby steps right? I began the job application filling out process. It’s had its hiccups, but as of right now I seem to be determined to resolve the issues at hand. Let me tell you though, filling out these applications is awful. I hate it. Not only do I hate it, but the thoughts that grow in my head while I do this is terrifying. I’ve come up with at least 10 different scenarios where trying to better myself ends up going poorly. I’m self sabotaging, and settling. There’s that word again. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen with all of this, and that is terrifying too. Hopefully I can stop the settling process for even just a few minutes and get a little closer to becoming a successful adult. I guess only time will tell. 

Alone

Alone. 

It’s a pretty scary word in the right context. 

Earlier I was sitting in my garage, a 12 pack deep, thinking about life. Thinking about things that probably shouldn’t be on my mind, especially when I’m drunk. As I sat back and listened to Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Hank Jr, and others, I started wondering if I was supposed to be alone. I’ve basically been that way all my life. It always seems as if my heart and mind are never in the same place together, and if they are, one of them is completely wrong. I’ve been head over heels for my fair share of women, none of which thought the same of me, and it got me to thinking even more.. 

Why is it that I always want, and I’m never the wanted? First I thought maybe I’m not good enough. I’m not sure that is the case. Maybe I’m ugly? Possible. Who knows really. It seems to me that the women I fall for all have one common denominator. I can talk to them.

I’m probably one of the most shy people you’ll ever meet, or not meet, depending on who is reading this. I can only talk to people when I’m truly comfortable. Unfortunately for me that seems to happen way to late in the courting process, and I’m on the outside looking in. 

That leads me to the title of this blog, “Alone.” I think about it all the time. Maybe I’m supposed to be alone forever. I feel that way so often. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve trained myself not to get close, or emotionally invested in anyone. I don’t need that, at least not now. 

Sometimes it all sounds so good. The family, the 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence, the American Dream you might say. Then I think about the nearly 30 years of my life and I realize that I’m years away from any of that. Years away from a family, and making my parents grandparents. That weighs most on me. They’ll never read this so I can say that it’s my goal to have a kid by age 31, which gives me 21 months to do so. I don’t want to be older than my dad when I was born.  

Fuck. I feel like the point of this was to get something off my chest and it turned into me rambling on, and this blog escalating into much more than it should have. I’ll probably edit this when I’m sober. 

Goodnight readers, all 17 of you, you’re the best. 

** Sober edit #1

I guess the point of this was me wondering what the purpose of all of this is. Does the world really need more single grocery store employees? At this point it’s pretty clear that becoming a doctor, lawyer, or president isn’t in the cards. My life won’t have an impact on the world, so what is it all for? Maybe I’m too blind to see it. Maybe I’ll never find out. I suppose I just have to wait and see. Things always happen when you don’t look for them. 

Hello, Old Friend

My first post in four years. Wow. Time flies when you are having fun, or in my case, time flies when I deactivate Facebook and I forget I had a blog.

A lot of things have changed in the four years since I last wrote something. Some good, some not so good, but changes nonetheless. I still have the same dead end job, but a new job description. I don’t spend every night at the bar anymore, but in turn I see my friends a lot less, and some not at all. I still live at home, but with visions of moving out, hopefully soon. And for those of you keeping score at home, here’s where Negative Ned takes over…

This year has easily been the worst year of my life. I’ve wrecked my car,  gotten in trouble, and lost loved ones. I spend countless hours laying in bed awake thinking about where I went wrong. I think, and I over think, replaying the situations in my head. I wonder how I let it all happen, I wonder what I could have done to stop everything. I don’t look at myself the same way anymore. I’m a changed man. Whether it’s for the better or the worse, I don’t know that answer.

Sometimes when I lay in bed I begin to think if my family or friends still see the same person I once was or do they picture someone else? Do they picture a man that endangered the his life, as well as others because I wasn’t paying attention while driving? Will they trust me behind the wheel anymore? Maybe it is exactly what it was, an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose after all. Or maybe it’s part of a bigger picture. I’m reckless. I’ve never truly cared about the consequences of any of my actions, and now I’m paying for that. I’m paying mentally, physically, and financially.

I’ll never truly know the answers to the questions I ask myself, and in many ways, I’m not sure I want them. It’s entirely possible that whatever I can concoct in my head is 100 times worse than reality. It’s also possible that some of my fears come true and my family and friends do think of me differently. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully earn their trust back again, and I don’t blame them. I’ve fucked up countless times. Sometimes I wonder why they even put up with me.

I could probably write for days on the thoughts in my head, but there is one positive that does come out of all of this. Music. If it wasn’t for the music I listen to I would have driven myself insane by now. Whether I’m in a good or bad mood Pandora always knows the right song to play. I get to let my guard down, and forget all of the bad in my life. I don’t get to as many live shows as I have in previous years, but I still get to as many as my friends want to go to. That is when I’m truly at peace. For those four, maybe five hours, I don’t have a care in the world. I’m so focused having a great time, and screaming every lyric to every one of my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. Nothing else matters to me. It’s perfect.

I hope one day I can feel that way all the time. Care free and happy. I hope I can put all of this shit behind me and start a new chapter of my life. One that doesn’t include late night thoughts, overthinking, and blogging at 3:02am. Until then, I’ve missed you old friend. You’ll probably be seeing a lot more of me.

 

A Semi Positive Post? It Can’t Be.

I’m laying here in bed watching Sunday Night Football when it hits me. This needs to stop. I’m always some form of upset, whether its anger or sadness. I can’t do it anymore. I need to just move on. I can’t let it bother me anymore. I don’t exactly know how I’m going to pull this off but I’m going to try my hardest. It’s time I get my ass in gear. I’m really going to try to get my fat ass in some sort of shape, maybe try eating a vegetable or two as well. Maybe I’ll feel better about myself then. I’ve come to the realization that no one wants to be around or with someone whose always miserable. Sure, it may not be entirely my fault but it comes to a point when its enough. I want to look back on this point and time of my life and remember good things. I want to remember good times I had with my friends doing god knows what, getting into all kinds of trouble. I don’t want to look back on this time and realize it was all wasted. I don’t want to look back at this 5 or 10 years from now and think what if I did that, or how come I didn’t do that. I’ve been pissing around long enough and its time to get in gear. I don’t know what I’m going to do to fill my time that I just lay around in self pity. Part of it can be going to the gym, but there is a lot of empty space to fill. I’m trying to get myself to go to as many concerts as possible. Sure, it will get expensive, but distracting my mind from all of the negativity in my life for a few hours at a show might be just what I need.

I realize this post is all over the place, but bare with me. I’m just typing this as I think of it. It’s kind of hard to concentrate when I’m watching my fantasy football team go down in flames. It looks more and more like school is becoming an option again. I don’t have any idea what I’m going to do, but it’s better than not going I suppose.  Worst case scenario it will be another time filler. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do, and how I”m going to achieve this goal of not being miserable, but I’m going to try, at least for a day, until like everything else I do, I give up. Anywho, I’m feeling pretty motivated right now, and hopefully it stays that way. I really hope whoever reads this, if anyone reads this, is behind me, and maybe even helps motivate me as well. I need all the help I can get.

Quickie

Have you ever had something you wanted to say, but couldn’t? That’s how I feel right now. Part of me says I should just get it off my chest, and I’ll feel better, but the other part of me says it’s best to keep it stuffed way, way, down inside. I’ve been agonizing over it for a while now, and I think it’s kind of making me sick. I don’t know what to do. I wish it would just go away.